I’m utterly bored with the General Election already. Because once you see through the depressing illusion of choice we’re presented with, all that remains is a painfully tedious mudslinging contest between two suited idiots. It’s Brown and Cameron thrashing each other with their willies via multi-million pound poster campaigns. As a spectacle, it’s about as interesting as a public reading of shopping lists by Big Brother 2’s Paul Clarke.
But the slanging match is already well under way.
The Tories recently turned to M&C Saatchi to produce a series of campaign posters, which focused directly on Gordon Brown’s failures (they were apparently designed to “tear lumps out of the Prime Minister”). The posters all carried the same picture of Brown, which depicted a man so smug he looked like he’d just been fitted with a prototype bionic eye that allows him to see through women’s blouses. Next to the picture the Tories then made various statements in the first person, such as: “I doubled the tax rate for the poor. Vote for me.” and “I caused record youth unemployment. Vote for me.” and “You know what? I’m glad ‘Miranda’ got a second series. Vote for me.” (OK, I made that last one up.)
Labour’s response to the Tories’ poster campaign was to superimpose David Cameron’s head onto the body of Gene Hunt from the BBC’s Ashes to Ashes. Perched on the bonnet of his Audi Quattro, the poster carried the message: “Don’t let him take Britain back to the 1980s,” which was designed to invoke the truly horrifying spectre of the Thatcher era.
It would’ve worked well had Cameron not been thrilled to be depicted as one of the country’s most beloved television characters (also considered a rakishly sexy housewives favourite). Subsequently, within hours, and using the same imagery, the Tories had mocked up their response, with a new message that read: “Fire up the Quattro. It’s time for change.”
It was a spectacular own goal for the Labour Party. So much so, they probably considered rushing out a replacement poster with Cameron’s face superimposed over someone slightly less popular, like Wolf from Gladiators.
To further reverse the damage done, Labour could then have circulated a smear story to the press about how David Cameron used to compère the Bullingdon Club’s ‘Bollinger and Bukkake’ night. Though, the Tories might then have retaliated with a smear about how Gordon Brown actually lost the sight in his left eye after sustaining a particularly explosive money shot at close range, while on the set of a gay porn film.
I know, all of this sounds ridiculous and possibly a little extreme (well, the ‘money shot’ stuff is a little far fetched, I admit). But it’s not as if any of the main parties are actually going to use a poster campaign or a leak to the media to elucidate what their policies are, is it? That would be absurd!
Why bother telling the British electorate what the future holds under their respective parties when they can simply use vague buzzwords like “change” (or something that encapsulates the inherent danger of not changing). It’s much easier to just bark accusations and slurs at each other, or engage in dirty tricks, while newspapers like the Daily Mail work hard to further dumb down the electorate with Heat-level political coverage.
It feels very much like we’re all screwed. But not if we sort out the election right here, right now, with a fight.
Using Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s Two Tribes video as a template, I propose that we knock up a sand-filled fighting ring in a pub car park and invite Gordon Brown and David Cameron to scrap it out. For obvious reasons, no weapons will be allowed. However, the baying crowd will be able to rummage through a large box of random items, which they can throw into the ring at various stages of the contest.
Imagine the entertainment, as we watch the two bruised, scuffed and sweaty leaders scrambling around in the sand for a Jamie Oliver Flavour Shaker and a fully-loaded Toilet Duck Fresh Discs applicator. They’d then retreat to their corners of the ring, desperately trying to work out how to use the objects to their advantage. (Is it wrong that I just smirked when I imagined a confused David Cameron starting to sob gently, while accidentally popping out three gel discs onto his trousers?)
Also, to ensure that the British public fully engage with this new political process, the contest will be televised and refereed by Jedward. And not only will the twins get to decide the winner of the 2010 election scrap, but they’ll bring the election to a close by duetting with the weary, dishevelled victor.
But where’s Nick Clegg in this scenario, you must be thinking? Well, earlier in the week the Lib Dems unveiled their election ‘Battle Bus‘, but it wasn’t quite what I was expecting. At the very least I was hoping to see Lembit Öpik appear through a hatch in the bus’s roof, firing a vehicle-mounted Minigun over the heads of the party faithful. But instead, all we got was a yellowy-gold bus (known as the ‘Big Banana’) with the giant smiling faces of Nick Clegg and Vince Cable adorning its side. They may as well have had a picture of Thora Hird on the side of the bus and announced that they were handing out free cuddles for the next four weeks. A battle bus it was not.
Nick Clegg would, therefore, be expected to pimp his ‘Battle Bus’ to bring it in line with what I was expecting. It could then travel around the country intimidating voters to switch their vote to Lib Dem.
“So, people think that a vote for the Lib Dems is a wasted vote, eh?” shouts Nick Clegg, as the distinctive drone of the Minigun sounds from above, showering him in spent shell casings. Fantastic!
Anyway, those are just a few of my thoughts about how we could make the general election more exciting, and more importantly – decisive. Who’s your money on in the scrap for votes? Personally, I think we’re fucked whatever happens.