Tom Daley’s butt crack

Whenever I peruse my miserable blog stats, I always click on the ‘search terms’ section (the word combinations that nudge people towards my little corner of the internet) to give myself a much-needed boost. Sure, the depressingly low visitor numbers indicate that I’m a failure, but at least I can console myself with the fact I’m not hitting the internet for nude photos of Barry Chuckle and Nadine Dorries (separate searches, I might add). Nor am I Googling for images of “Chris de Burgh’s nipples” or desperately trying to identify the cast of Glade’s ‘Poo at Paul’s’ Touch ‘n Fresh commercial. Yeah, life’s pretty good!

Until, that is, I had an epiphany. These search terms represent people who’ve landed on my blog unexpectedly and have immediately exited the page without reading a single word, disgruntled that “Tom Daley’s butt crack” didn’t appear before them like a sexy apparition. The upshot being: my blog is less appealing than a young diver’s chlorinated crevice. Is there really any point in my continuing, I pondered?

No.

And so this, my 100th blog post, will be my last.

Far from being a decision based on a silly interpretation of my blog stats, it basically comes down to the fact that no one reads this stuff. It’s become an emotionally draining process for me to spend hours excitedly tapping away on my laptop only to see my words sink without a trace as soon as I hit ‘publish’.

I’ve only ever written one successful post, back in 2011, when I wrote about Nadine Dorries, the Mail Online and the sexualisation of children. Emerging from a dull meeting at work to discover that my blog post had been retweeted far and wide on Twitter – and even mentioned on other people’s blogs – was a dizzying and exciting experience. The biggest compliment I received on that day was from Dr Petra Boynton, who told me that she’d snorted coffee out of her nose while reading it. (Someone once told me that my turn of phrase made them choke on some couscous, but this really was the promised land.)

Of course, so-called ‘success’ was short lived (and has never been repeated). My next blog post – the difficult second album – hit the world with a whimper and was greeted with general indifference. I didn’t write a single word for six months after that. Blogging is all about peaks and troughs. But mainly troughs.

Anyway, I just want to say a genuine, heartfelt thanks to everyone who’s supported this blog over the last four (and a bit) years. And to anyone who’s ever left a comment, shared, retweeted or ‘liked’ a blog post, or said anything nice about the rambling nonsense I’ve written – you’re all wonderful (and probably know who you are).

And thank you to SudoOne for leaving the only comment on my last full blog post. “Superb piece,” he very kindly wrote. (I thought so, yes.)

Right, those naked pics of Pauline Quirke and the cast of Birds of Feather won’t search for themselves. I’m off.

Bye.

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19 Comments

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19 responses to “Tom Daley’s butt crack

  1. Klare Tootell

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Well, I for one (and guaranteed not the only one) will be very sad you’ve decided to stop. I always loved seeing a link to a new blog post and there hasn’t been a single one that hasn’t made me laugh out loud. You’re a gifted writer, always have been and always will be and I’m hoping this will just be a small hiatus till more writing bursts forth. xxxx

    • andyt

      Thanks, Sis. That’s very sweet of you. Although, as my dear sibling you’re predisposed to like my blogging efforts! If I do blog again, I just won’t do it under the banner of my own name. I shall fail anonymously instead.

  2. Ah, don’t stop, Andy!

    No word of a lie, I always click on your posts as soon as a notification appears as I think they’re frickin’ ace. And no one’s paying me to fluff you, honest.

    I expect personalised blog posts direct to my inbox if the blog shuts down, it’s simply not good enough.

    Hope you’re well dude
    Nick

    • andyt

      It’s absolutely made my day that you enjoyed my blog posts, and I consider your kind words high praise indeed. If I write anything for myself in future, I’ll be sure to e-mail you a copy!

  3. Don’t let the stats kill ya!! Your writing is extremely good. I’m gutted I caught onto your post quite late it would seem. Kookyville as I recall. (Although I have slept since) if you would like to do the odd occasional piece but don’t want to keep this blog, you are more than welcome to guest on mine! You did give me a name check after all. Although my stats are terrible, aside from one hardy soul who searches for “Fat Kelly Brook” daily. (Contact email in the about section)

    • andyt

      Thanks mate. That’s a very kind offer. If I decide to try my hand at guest blogging, I’ll drop you a line. You’ve got 150 followers on your blog – I think that’s rather impressive!

  4. If you stop writing this blog I will track you down and actually punch you. I’m serious. Consider this one of those sinister online threat thingies and write a lengthy blog post about the dangers of internet stalkers NOW!!!

    I’m even considering creating a Twitter Twibbon (eurgh!) to save your blog. So there.

    Seriously though it’s an awesome blog and I read every update – like the cast of Glee apparently crooned in some godawful saccharine tribute to a vastly overrated 80s hair metal song “Don’t stop believing”.

    And if you do, I’ll set Justin Beiber on you.

    • andyt

      Mr Lockey, you lovely, lovely man. I’ve just seen what you’ve done on Twitter and Facebook to help ‘save my blog’! Seriously, I’m very touched. And I’m pleased as punch that you enjoyed reading my blog posts. Like Carson, I consider positive feedback from you very high praise indeed. Now look what you’ve done…I’m all misty-eyed.

  5. Chris Ford

    I’m the least media savvy person I know, hence me not knowing about your blogging activities until Nick shared this. Gutted that the first post I’ve read from you is your eloquent and witty resignation. Think again sir. I’d look forward to hearing more of your thoughts…

    • andyt

      Thanks Chris. There’s four years of blog posts on here so there’s still plenty of rubbish to read. It’ll be like working your way through the box set of a series you missed first time around!

  6. Emma Lockey

    Don’t stop writing, I know where you live.
    I dare you to write something about Dusty Bin.

  7. Oh behave.

    Pull yourself together and dance for us (dance meaning write something amusing and slightly self-effacing)

  8. scott billing

    No Andy. We all love it quietly, from a distance. Please don’t stop writing it. You are underestimating the impact it has on those of us who read it.

    Excuse the pretentiousness of the following but this reminds of something I once read.

    “Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.”
    Martin Luther

    • andyt

      Thanks for the kind words, Scott. I’ve never heard that quote before. So basically: don’t give up hope. Yeah?

      It’s certainly nice to know that a few people liked reading the blog (more than thought), and I’m really glad you enjoyed it. Friends and family are one thing, but it’s always gratifying to know that ‘strangers’ have been reading as well.

  9. Pingback: “What you reading for?” | SudoOne

  10. Well, I’m a stranger too and having stumbled onto your blog page, feel quite inclined to stay on it. Don’t stop writing your posts. It’s nice to get high stats but to be honest they have little to do with the quality of the writing. Lots of great blogs get missed while some pretty average ones have followers into the hundreds. Keep the blogs going. They’re really good. Besides, you’ve just gained yourself another follower.

    • andyt

      Thanks for the lovely comment. I’ve picked up four followers since I quit the blog a couple of weeks ago, which puts me in something of a quandary!

      I didn’t write this post to fish for compliments, but I was genuinely overwhelmed by the response to my throwing in the towel (not that I threw it very accurately, seeing as I blogged yesterday!). It’s heartening to learn that I’ve got more readers than I thought (well, approximately 15) and it really means a lot when ‘strangers’ enjoy the blog, too.

      It’s very easy to get lost in dismal stats, and blogging can start to feel like a complete waste of time. And it’s damn near impossible not to view the low visitor numbers and general disinterest as a comment on the quality of my writing! Still, maybe I should just stop whining and focus on the people who do enjoy the blog. Time for a think.

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